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Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Still Finding Me

It's funny, the last post I wrote was titled, "Let Me Introduce Myself", and here it is six months later and I'm still trying to figure out who "Me" is. Well I've come to the conclusion I'm either the Queen of Procrastination or I'm just a big fat liar. You choose, both of them seem to fit.

I have made so many promises to myself that I haven't kept. It's disturbing to say the least. At my age, I should have it together. I make goals for myself every year. Not just New Year's resolutions but actual goals. After I write them down, I forget about them until it beyond the deadlines. This is some shit I need to get control of.

So, when I title this blog Baby Steps to Marathon, it was all about getting to run a marathon. I've learned that my marathon, is learning how to live life to its fullest. Unfortunately, I'm still in the baby stages. Okay, not to be too hard on myself, I'm at least a pre-teen. I still have a lot to learn yet old enough to know better but still doing childish things and not making the smartest decisions.

These things range from my weight loss goals to finances. I put myself through college, only to finish with a degree, in finance, I no longer have a desire to use. I love to write, but I'm terrified of actually taking writing jobs. It took me six 'months to sit down and write this blog again. Failure is not the fear, it's the fear of what to do next and every thing that comes with it after I reach a goal.

Even with weight loss. I honestly didn't recognize how big I had become until 2015. I've been on a steady incline for almost a decade. I've never beat myself up over my body though. Yes, I frown up at the pooch around my waistline or even a little self conscious about it on occasion (depending on the clothes) but to seriously hate it, that has never been me. My biggest concern has always been my health. If my blood pressure or glucose goes anywhere near the "pre" range I lose it. If I take a flight of stairs and get winded, I get concerned. Those are some of the things that force me to take a sincere look at my weight and health. Yet, I want to do better. I'm 5 feet tall and almost 200 pounds. I can see the fat accumulation around my waist and arms. My thighs are no longer toned and my butt it losing its shape. I honestly want to look better as well as registering as healthy on my health meters with the exception of the scale. The scale tells me, chile' you are obese. I look in the mirror and say, "but you're sexy though." I want the scale to say, "you are healthy" and I say, "and sexy too."

I didn't know what the blog was supposed to be about when I started typing. You may think of it as rambling. I think of it as recognizing what makes me who I am. That way I can either accept it or change it, for me.

To stay up on my weekly weight loss journey. Follow my Youtube Channel at Putting Off Pounds with Poetry